he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
