This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
