the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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