I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
