when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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