there's paper in my vomit.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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