DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
