Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
