I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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