I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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