the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
