sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
