Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
