Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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