Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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