My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
