i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
