trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
operation harelip BJ is a go
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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