just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Is Oprah even human
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize