There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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