your parents love me but you hate me
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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