He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
