i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
