Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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