there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
