How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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