Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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