peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
