I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
