Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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