i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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