Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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