Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
