Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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