Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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