i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
