You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
