today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
