I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
