Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
