Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
