I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
