The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
