Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
