Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
