So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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