I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
