Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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