you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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