There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
