One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
