Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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