The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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