Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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