Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
