i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
