i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
