So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
