I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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