I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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