I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
