This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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