she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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